i get haircuts like a bitch.

i hate getting haircuts.

i like to believe that i'm a wacky and spontaneous guy who adapts to change very well, and in many instances, i'm sure it's true. i mean, i am a pretty hip guy. but in the end, i'm still just a creature of habit. so when i get used to my dumb head/face looking one way, it's hard to switch.

it could also have something to do with the fact that my barber is a dumb stupid shit head.

i've been going to him since i was in high school... again. creature of habit.

but anyway, my hair was starting to get to the point where i was having trouble making myself look like not an ass hole on a regular basis... so it was time. now, understand that another reason that i push off getting hair cuts is because my mother consistently tells me i need one because i look like osama bin laden. in fact, i do not.

my barber's name is tony. like me, only he is italian, bald, and a little more racist.

i got there and the there were several people waiting. i briefly considered leaving, but my laziness won out as i sat in a chair. then i got to listen to another old italian man sit in a barber chair (just hanging out by the way) talking to my barber- italian- tony- man about why the economy sucks. perhaps i can bullet point his arguments.

- people need to go to restaurants and be served instead of buying their food in supermarkets and cooking at home so they can save their money.

- this generation of young people doesn't know how to respect their money.

this argument came about because barber -italian- tony, on occasion, likes to go out to a restaurant and get calamari. why? oh, i dunno... perhaps because it's fucking delectable?

mind you, big -not good at his job -italian -tony -barber thought this guy was a dumb ass. i would just like to reiterate. the economy is not poor because people are spending their money at restaurants too much. in fact going out and spending your money at small businesses would make the economy thrive. in facty fact, only saving your money would cripple small business and destroy the lively hood of families across america.

but while this economic wizard was going on and on, i couldn't help but notice a man sitting across from me who kept looking at me every now and again. he was sitting next to a slightly older woman. for a brief moment i thought he was retarded.

why would he be sitting with an older woman?

maybe it's his mother?

why does he keep looking at me?

stop it... you're a bad person tony (me not the tragic barber).

after this man got a hair cut, big -italian -called the other italian a cheap jew for not approving of his calamari habit- tony, handed him a lollypop.

i've never gotten a lollypop here... i've only gotten disappointed! but who gets lollypops?

children.

and then he spoke... i won't try to replicate what he said because i've already said the word retarded and i don't want look like more of an ass hole. but he was handicapped yes.

but to be honest, i couldn't make up my mind on how i felt about what just happened. it always feels weird when you try to make yourself not think in negative stereotypical ways, and then the stereo type comes true. but furthermore, i couldn't even focus on that because i couldn't decide if i thought it was ok to give a mentally handy capped adult a lollypop after getting a hair cut! isn't that sort of degrading? i dunno.

anyway, tony- cant help immediately butchering my beard and fucking up my mustache- barber did me up and i paid and left.

i got home and my mother looked at me and said, "you got a hair cut! why did you do it like that! he cut it too much it looks bad!"

i hate everything.

i waste all of my free time wasting my free time

what an exciting time of my life. so many possibilities.

career.

dreams.

connections.

venturing out into the unknown.

everyone says that college is where you really find out who you are and what kind of person you want to be. i agree with that to a certain extent.

lets say 85% extent.

but most grads would agree with me when i say college was the farthest thing from the real world. in fact, it's left me emotionally fragile and ill-prepared for it. surprise surprise. it's fine though, it's sort of important that it is that way so that we can find out who we really are.

but i think another step to finding out who you really are, is when your violently ripped out of what you've become accustomed to, and seeing how you react to that.

i'm tired all of the time. i don't want to go places a lot of times because i wont be able to make it home in time for when i want to go to bed... which is early. so here is the stress test. the most awesomest stuff i want to do isn't as easy to do as it used to be... what do i do now?

surprisingly a lot. this past weekend i was in a short form improv show. it was actually a really great time. a woman who directs the group needed an extra improvisor, and i was suggested to her.

i promise, my life isn't always this exciting. but it was a really great time and i'm glad i got the opportunity to do it.

but that was sort of thrown in my lap... literally. my facebook status read "tony misses improv" and 3 days later i was being asked to be in an show with people i didn't know... thats a gimme.

believe it or not, i'm actually less busy than i was when i was in college. but the difference is that while i'm busy now, all i can think about is what i'm going to do when i'm free. when i was busy in college, a lot of the time i was busy with doing things that brought me joy. now i think and i make all these sorts of plans.

i'll write sketch.

do a blog entry (loser)

study lines (i was asked to be in a play that is half way through its rehearsal process by a friend who knows i have a job and works around me... come one ungrateful tony)

meet a friend i haven't seen since high school

tonight i spent about an hour watching youtube clips of boy meets world...

oh my god... i keep watching the links i'm posting... see what i mean? i can't even waste time effectively.

topanga, stop freaking out.

i guess i just need to relax. there's a lot of time, and all in all i really am excited about things i can do. i love improv and i'm finding ways to do it. so far, my creative urges are finding outlets and thats good... so i guess it's ok that i waste my time a little bit.

oh shit. it's 10:30. i should go to bed.

i promise my next entry wont be as dumb.

the submission

well it wasn't very long before i posted again on this thing... pretty much 24 hours. go me.

thank you to everybody who has already read it and commented on it. anyone with a gmail can, and i appreciate any little note.

one particular message i got was very interesting... it was privately sent, not a comment. i got the anonymous response sometime this morning and i thought it was pretty interesting. i responded myself but it really resonated with me so i thought i should post it.

please feel free to comment on the post as if the author posted it on their own site. maybe he or she will come back and get a chance to see it and reflect on it. i think it could be a pretty interesting thing-o.

without further ado:

"i am so lonely. always with so many people in my face and around me. but always so lonely.

so many god-damned people but none of them actually ever really care about me. they seldom ask me anything or listen to me. they need me for a whole slew of reasons, whether i entertain them, do work for them, provide an outlet for them, act as their "best friends" - none of them know me or care to. the rare ones acknowledge they don't know me and make such a scene of trying to get to know me that it turns me off completely.

i am a grinch. a socially flamboyant grinch who internally is so far from his shell = i deserve to be locked up in a tower with a rapunzel (spelling?).

i see so much and i feel so much and i know so much because everyone tells me everything. sometimes i don't care, but i have to listen - that's what "i" do. i see so much of what people feel and want in life and often this clouds my own feeling and wants. i find myself caring so much for others. i am not trying to make myself sound like a saint, but i get obsessed with other people's lives or things or happiness. everything i do with my life is focused on others and the interests of others, etc.

i want to have time and room to deal with myself. to like myself. to flaunt myself. to express myself. to fuck people because i like them myself. to be rude to people because i don't like them myself. to just be myself without having to always be "me."

"me" isn't myself."

it is pretty difficult do differentiate doing something because you want it from doing something because someone else wants it...

see puppy post.